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1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan/Michigan State game.
4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
5. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a six-pack and a bucket of smelt.
6. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
7. Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
8. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
9. You know the "Big Mac" is something that you drive over.
10. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
11. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
12. You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
13. You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my coat at"?
14. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
16. You think of the 4 major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce, and beer.
17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving in the winter is better because the potholes are filled with snow.
20. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving and opening of Deer Season, which you consider a National Holiday.
21. You have 10 favorite recipes for Venison.
22. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
23. Your little league game was snowed out.
24. You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.
25. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
26. Your snow blower has more miles on it than your car.
27. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
28. You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry, and snowmobile boots.
29. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
30. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical significance.
31. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.
32. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
33. You measure distance in minutes.
34. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
35. You know that Battle Creek not only exists, but isn't that far from Hell.
36. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
37. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
38. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas.
39. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
40. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
41. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
42. You think that everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

  • How Men and Women Differ


    An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!


    1.They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
    2. A better model is always just around the corner.
    3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
    4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
    5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
    6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
    7. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
    8. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    9. The lights are on but nobody's home.
    10.Big power surges knock them out for the night.
    11. Size does matter


    Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
    Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
    Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
    Friend: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
    Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
    Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
    Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
    Sober: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
    Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
    Love At First Sight: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
    Law of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

    (And What They Actually Mean...)(the meaning is the 2nd line)

    I think of you as a brother.
    You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.

    There's a slight difference in our ages.
    I don't want to do my dad.

    I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.

    My life is too complicated right now.
    I don't want you spending the whole night, or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

    I've got a boyfriend.
    I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of "Ben and Jerry's"

    I don't date men where I work.
    I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.

    It's not you, it's me.
    It's you.

    I'm concentrating on my career.
    Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

    I'm celibate.
    I've sworn off only the men like you.

    Let's be friends.
    I want you to stay around, so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing

    (And What They Actually Mean...) (the meaning is the 2nd line)

    I think of you as a sister.
    You're ugly.

    There's a slight difference in our ages.
    You're ugly.

    I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    You're ugly.

    My life is too complicated right now.
    You're ugly.

    I've got a girlfriend
    You're ugly.

    I don't date women where I work.
    You're ugly.

    It's not you, it's me.
    You're ugly.

    I'm concentrating on my career.
    You're ugly.

    I'm celibate.
    You're ugly.

    Let's be friends.
    You're sinfully ugly.

    Submitted by L Sorent

    Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
    Airhead (er*hed) n. - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
    Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n - You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."
    Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. - Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
    Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n - Gotta get married in a church.
    Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. - An appliance designed to eat socks.
    Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
    Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. - The last two minutes of a football game.
    Exercise (ex*er*siz) v - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
    Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. - What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
    Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. - Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
    Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n - Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
    Childbirth (child*brth) n. - You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
    Lipstick (lip*stik) n - On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
    Park (park) v./n. - Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
    Patience (pa*shens) n. - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
    Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. - Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
    Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n - A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.


    10.Ken overheard at bar saying he'd like to find "a woman with bendable elbows."
    9.Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking.
    8.After sex, she said, "You ain't exactly Stretch Armstrong."
    7.Ken's extensive collection of gay porn.
    6.While Ken's asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor's dog will chew him to shreds and bury him.
    5.They're arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies.
    4.She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures.
    3.He's been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty.
    2.Personal ad reads, "Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy."

    (Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:)

    10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
    9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpet are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
    8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
    7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
    6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
    5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
    4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
    3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
    2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
    And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
    1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.


    The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
    On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam, I've come to.........."
    "Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
    "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
    After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
    "My, that's a lot of.......gasped Mrs.Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that I'm sure."
    "Don't I know it", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
    "Oh my God!!!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes,", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your,"
    "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so, that we can get to work."
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.........Good Lord, she's fainted!!!"

    MY DOG
    Rated R

    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex". Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too." Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..." My case comes up on Friday...


    Three former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
    "You need to use ' big people' words" she'd always remind them.
    She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana" "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
    She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." he said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!"
    She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book" he replied. "That's wonderful" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said. "Winnie The Shit.


    This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
    So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
    He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
    So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
    But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
    But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
    He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
    A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."



    1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
    2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
    3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
    4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
    5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
    6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
    7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
    8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
    9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
    10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
    11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
    12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
    13 executed as soon as possible.

    That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
    report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
    numbered lines.


    Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    6. "Did he kill you?"

    7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
    A: "I went to Europe, sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

    16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."

    19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

    20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

    23. Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15th.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.

    24. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    25. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.

    26. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.

    27. Q: Where was the location of the accident?
    A: Approximately milepost 499.
    Q: And where is milepost 499?
    A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

    28. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
    A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

    29. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
    A: After the accident?
    Q: Before the accident.
    A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

    30. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.


    1. Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.
    2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
    3. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.
    4. Never let your man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.
    5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
    6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
    7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
    8. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do it yourself types.
    9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
    10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
    11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
    12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
    13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
    14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
    15. Sadly, all men are created equal.


    I like monkeys.
    The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
    I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand.
    I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
    I like monkeys.
    I took my 200 monkeys home.
    I have a big car.
    I let one of them drive.
    His name was Sigmund.
    He was retarded.
    In fact none of them were really bright.
    They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
    I laughed.
    They punched me in the genitals.
    I stopped laughing.
    I herded them into my room.
    They didn't adapt very well to their new environment.
    They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch
    at high speeds and slam into the wall.
    Although humorous at first the spectacle
    lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive;
    they all died.
    No apparent reason.
    They all just sort of dropped dead.
    Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
    Dog gone cheap monkeys.
    I didn't know what to do.
    There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
    on the bed in the dresser
    hanging from my bookcase.
    It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
    I tried to flush one down the toilet.
    It didn't work.
    It got stuck.
    Then I had one dead wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead dry monkeys.
    I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals.
    That worked for awhile that is until they began to decompose.
    It started to smell real bad.
    I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet
    and I didn't want to call a plumber.
    I was too embarrassed.
    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
    Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time
    so I had to change them every 30 seconds.
    I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
    I tried to burn them but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
    I had to extinguish the fire.
    Then I had one dead wet monkey in my toilet
    two dead frozen monkeys in my freezer
    and one hundred ninety-seven dead charred monkeys
    in a pile on my bed.
    The odor wasn't improving.
    I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys.
    I really had to use the bathroom.
    So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
    I felt better.
    I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed
    to dispose of charred primates.
    I told him I had a wet one.
    He couldn't take it either.
    I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
    I finally arrived at a solution.
    I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
    My friends didn't quite know what to say.
    They pretended to like them but I could tell they were lying.
    So I punched them in the genitals.
    I like monkeys.



    These are actual headlines that have shown up in newpapers.

    1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
    2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
    4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
    6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
    7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
    9.Stud Tires Out
    10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
    13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
    15.Eye Drops off Shelf
    16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    19.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
    20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
    21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
    23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
    26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
    28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
    29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
    30.War Dims Hope for Peace
    31.If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
    32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
    33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
    35.Deer Kill 17,000
    36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
    43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
    44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
    45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
    46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
    48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
    49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
    50.Air Head Fired



    Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
    A. Shoot him again.

    Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
    A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

    Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
    A. His body.

    Q. Why do little boys whine?
    A. Because they're practicing to be men.

    Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

    Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
    A. Trustworthy.

    Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
    A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

    Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
    A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

    Q. Why do men name their penises?
    A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

    > > > Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
    A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

    Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
    A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

    Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
    A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

    Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
    A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

    Q: What is the difference between men and women...
    A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

    Q: How does a man keep his youth?
    A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

    Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
    A: Rename the mail folder "instruction manuals"



    Nike Condoms: Just do it.
    Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
    Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
    Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
    Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
    Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
    Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
    Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
    Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
    Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
    Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
    New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
    California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
    Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
    KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
    Coca-Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
    Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
    Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
    General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
    AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
    Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
    Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
    Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
    M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
    Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.
    MCI Condoms: For friends and family
    Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
    The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
    Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.
    United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.
    The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.


    The 9 Types of Boyfriends

    Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
    Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
    Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
    Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

    Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV."
    Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
    Advantages: Stays put; predictable
    Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

    Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
    Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
    Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
    Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

    Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
    Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
    Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
    Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

    Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
    Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
    Advantages: Well rested; easy target
    Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

    The Sneak - "Who, me?"
    Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
    Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
    Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

    Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
    Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
    Advantages: Perpetually aroused
    Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

    The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--"
    Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
    Advantages: Tells good stories
    Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

    Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
    Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
    Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
    Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

    The 9 Types of Girlfriends

    Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
    Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
    Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
    Disadvantages: May wise up someday

    Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
    Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
    Advantages: Pays attention to you
    Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

    Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
    Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
    Advantages: Predictable
    Disadvantages: Contagious

    The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
    Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
    Advantages: Often right
    Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

    Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
    Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
    Advantages: Easily soothed
    Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

    Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
    Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
    Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
    Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

    Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
    Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
    Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
    Disadvantages: You will have no friends

    Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
    Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
    Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
    Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

    Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
    Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
    Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
    Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you



    On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several pecans were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery". He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. "Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me". The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes ahead of the boy.



    Can we count them with our nose?
    Can we count them with our toes?
    Should we count them with a band?
    Should we count them all by hand?
    If I do not like the count,
    I will simply throw them out!

    I will not let this vote count stand
    I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

    Can we change these numbers here?
    Can we change them, calm my fears?
    What do you mean, Dubya has won?
    This is not fair, this is not fun
    Lets count them upside down this time
    Lets count until the state is mine!

    I will not let this VOTE count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
    You have not heard the last of it!
    I'll count the ballots one by one
    And hold each one up to the sun!
    I'll count, recount, and count some more!
    You'll grow to hate this little chore

    But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

    I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!
    I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
    Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
    all telling me that I should sue!
    We find the Electoral College vile!
    RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

    We do not want this vote to stand!
    We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    How shall we count this ballot box?
    Let's count it standing in our socks!
    Shall we count this one in a tree?
    And who shall count it, you or me?
    We cannot, cannot count enough!
    We must not stop, we must be tough!

    I do not want this vote to stand!
    I do not like it AL GORE I am!

    I've counted till my fingers bleed!
    And still can't fulfill my counting need!
    I'll count the tiles on the floor!
    I'll count, and count, and count some more!
    And I will not say that I am done!
    Until the counting says I've won!

    I will not let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

    What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
    You think the current count should stay?
    You do not like my counting scheme?
    It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
    Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
    Your only care should be for me!




    George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

    George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

    George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert.


    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

    With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."

    She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and the dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

    Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

    The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."

    MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb.



    A husband and wife are getting ready for bed one evening, and he asks, "Honey, do you want to have sex tonight?"

    "No," she replies.

    "Is that your final answer?"

    "Yes, that's my final answer!" she insists.

    The husband thinks carefully for a moment, then asks, "May I phone a friend?"


    M: Haven't I seen you some place before?
    F: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    M: Is this seat empty?
    F: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    M: Your place or mine?
    F: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

    M: So, what do you do for a living.
    F: I'm a female impersonator.

    M: Hey baby, what's your sign?

    M: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    F: Unfertilized.

    M: Your body's like a temple.
    F: Sorry, there are no services today.

    M: I would go to the end of the world for you.
    F: But would you stay there?

    M: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.
    F: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

    _____________ MEN ARE LIKE

    Men are like ... newborn babies
    They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

    Men are like ... computers.
    Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

    Men are like ... coolers.
    Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

    Men are like ... chocolate bars.
    Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like ... power tools
    They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

    Men are like ... remote controls
    Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

    Men are like .... shag carpets.
    Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

    Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
    They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

    Men are like ... road kill
    They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

    Men are like ... soap operas
    They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

    Men are like ... pillows
    Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

    Men are like ... old car tires
    Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

    Men are like ... plastic wrap
    Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

    Men are like ... department stores
    Their clothes should always be half off.

    Men are like ... plungers.
    They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

    Men are like.....Floor Tiles...
    If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years!

    Men are like.....Bank Accounts...
    Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

    Men are like.....Blenders...
    You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like.....Coffee...
    The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

    Men are like.....Commercials...
    You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like.....Copiers.
    You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

    Men are like.....Curling irons.
    They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

    Men are like.....Government bonds.
    They take so long to mature.

    Men are like.....High heels.
    They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

    Men are like.....Horoscopes.
    They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

    Men are like.....Lava lamps.
    Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

    Men are like.....Mascara.
    They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like.....Parking spots.
    The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

    Men are like.....Popcorn.
    They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like.....Place mats.
    They only show up when there's food on the table.

    Men are like.....Snow storms.
    You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.

    Men are like.....Used Cars.
    Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.

    Men are like.....Bank Machines.
    Once they withdraw, they lose interest

    Men are like......Bananas.
    The older they get, the less firm they are.

    Men are like.....Crystal.
    Some look real good, but you can still see right thru them.

    Men are like.....Dry cleaners.
    Most work fast and leave no ring.

    Men are like..... Laxatives.
    They irritate the shit out of you.


    Dear Tech Support:
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    *** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
    --Tech Support


    THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU WHO REMEMBER THE LEGACY OF DR.LOVE! This is the only one I remember as he was "before my time." Don't take any of this too seriously, I don't!

    __Women vs. Cedar Point__

    written by Dr. Love (11-25-98)
    inspired by the Great Professer Tim

    Women are like roller coasters. They come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are more popular than others; so, metaphorically, they have longer "waiting lines." Rides like the Magnum have "big hills" and dark tunnels, making it quite popular. The Mantis makes you realize that it's always better standing up. The Raptor, though not spectacular in size, is a great ride in and of itself: any woman who could find that many different ways to make me go upside down... Then there's the dull stuff like the Demon Drop, where you go up and, at the pull of a lever, you're already back down again. And the Ferris Wheel! It's just BIG and ROUND, and NOBODY wants to get on. My favorite ride, however, is a truly unique experience. It combines an ultimate rush of adrenaline and a real "spin:" the teacups.


    WHO IS JACK SCHITT????????

    The lineage is finally revealed... Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt. "now you can intellectually handle the situation.

    Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

    Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Knee-deep &. Schitt,Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years. Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

    Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.




    It is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following information. Please join me in remembering a great icon. Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flakey at times he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Playdough. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


    You've all probably seen this one before, but I'm putting it here anyways!


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: -Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. -Places where there is darkness. -Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. -Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. -Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; -movies which features chan saws are okay. -Hockey games are okay. -Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window ismine.


    1. What do you call a handcuffed man?

    2. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

    3. Why do men like smart women?
    Opposites attract.

    4. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
    We cook - they eat; we clean - they dirty; we iron - they wrinkle.

    5. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

    6. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

    7. What did God say after creating man?
    I can do so much better.

    8. What do you call a man with half a brain?

    9. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
    Exchange him.

    10. What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

    11. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
    Telling you his real name.

    12. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
    Put the remote control between his toes.

    13. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
    Big Foot's been spotted several times.

    14. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
    "My wife says..."

    15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
    So men can understand them.

    16. Why did God create man before woman?
    Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your "masterpiece."

    17. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
    To stop the snoring before it starts.

    18. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
    To keep them from grazing.

    19. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
    Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

    20. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
    When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.